


The Committee

by pastmistakes



Category: Naruto
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationships, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastmistakes/pseuds/pastmistakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>KakaIru. Kakashi is having issues with his new relationship. He seeks advice. Iruka is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Committee

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own anything.

“Fucking Kakashi, calls us all over here and shows up late to his own meeting.”

“I’ll give him another ten minutes, and then I’m leaving.”

“Anyone know why that bastard called us here?”

“Iruka-sensei probably wised up and dumped his ass.”

“Don’t say that, it took months to get those two together.”

“Shhu, it’s not like that idiot took any of our advice. All he did was fuck up until Iruka gave in and gave him a chance. I have no idea why he kept going out with him after the first date.”

“It’s because I’m a sex god.” Kakashi said as he appeared before the congregation of men at the underground bar where they held their meetings.

They gave him wary glares and lazy greetings as he took his seat at the head of the table.

His advisory committee consisted of Azuma, Genma, Raidou, Yamato and Gai who wasn’t there because he was never invited to meetings anyways.

“So what’s your problem now Hatake.”

Kakashi cleared his throat and started very seriously, “I called this meeting because I need some advice. As you all know I have been dating Umino Iruka for the last three months.”

“If you’re gonna ask us if you should ask him to marry you again the answer is still no, it’s still too soon.” Azuma cut in trying to hurry the meeting along.

“It’s not that this time.” Kakashi narrowed his eyes at the interruption.

“Then get on with it.”

Kakashi sighed and slumped his shoulders in defeat. This action immediately had the others straightening up in their seats and more alert.

“It’s Iruka… No it’s me…” He started lamely.

“It’s you.” Genma said plainly, ignoring the annoyed look Kakashi gave him. “What did you do this time?”

“I didn’t do anything.” Kakashi said defensively. “It’s just that Iruka is… too much.”

“We told you he was too good for you.” Azuma supplied.

“That’s not what I mean.” Kakashi said in a, ‘you’re getting on my last nerve’ voice. “He… asks for too much…”

“Do you mean to say that he is overbearing Kakashi-sempai?” Tenzou asked politely.

Kakashi sighed again, “Yes I suppose, but not really in a bad way. It’s more like… he’s too much of a good thing.”

“Kakashi make up your mind.” Raidou said. “You were obsessed with the guy. Are you telling us now you have commitment issues?”

“Motion to reopen the marriage proposal debate?” Kakashi asked annoyed.

“Denied.” They all responded in unison.

“Look I’m pretty sure I love the guy…”

“That doesn’t mean he’s in love with you.”

“…but there are just some things I can’t ignore.”

“Like?”

“Like how he only wants to eat ramen every day.”

“Seriously?”

“Like how he has Naruto over all the time.”

“Oh…”

“Like how he never wants to do what I wana do and we always end up doing whatever he wants; or how he has no consideration for how tired I am after a mission and doesn’t let me rest; or how I always have to be the one who takes the initiative in everything. I’m always the one chasing after him for a date. It’s like he doesn’t care!”

The other men at the table exchanged a concerned look, “Well… your points are valid…” Raidou started.

“But you gotta remember that your relationship is still pretty new…” Azuma finished.

Kakashi sighed, “That’s not even the worst of it…” he hung his head. “The worst part is… I can’t seem to… satisfy him…”

Genma’s eyebrows crept up in mute horror and Azuma gave a silent gasp.

Tenzou’s eyes furrowed in concern, “Satisfy…how?” he treaded cautiously.

“They have pills for that.”

“I don’t need pills!” Kakashi stated firmly. “Look. The sex is great. You’ve heard me talk about how great the sex is. I can’t even begin to describe how great the sex is, but…” Kakashi looked at them pleadingly, “but I’m not a machine dammit!”

They stared at him in shock.

Then burst out into boisterous laughter.

“Fuck you assholes.” Kakashi said with agitation clear in his voice. “As if any of you impotents could hold a candle to me.”

“Alright. Alright.” Azuma tried to calm the others down though he was still grinning. “What kind of number are we talking about here Kakashi?”

“Six.”

Azuma quirked an eye at him and couldn’t help the choked laugh that escaped his lips, “Six times a week sounds like a damn good number to me. You sure you don’t need any…?” They others burst into a fresh round of snickers.

“A day.”

And suddenly they were silent.

“A… a day..?”

Kakashi nodded and puffed his chest out just a little prouder as they looked at him in stunned awe.

Legendary man indeed.

“Are you crazy?” Raidou asked after a moment. “Don’t the two of you have jobs?”

“That’s the problem!” Kakashi quickly deflated. “It’s starting to wear me down.” He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t get me wrong, I mean it was great at first… Having sex all night, I wouldn’t even pull out of him…” 

“Kakashi. Please.” Azuma interrupted. “TMI.”

“Have you tried talking to Iruka-san?” Tenzou asked.

“I can’t! He wants sex all the time! He has no consideration for my wellbeing at all! You don’t get it, it’s like we have sex and he’s up and about like nothing even happened; no down time at all. If we have sex again he’ll just get up again and ask if I want a sandwich. It’s like the more we have sex the more energy he has! What can I say to someone like that? I didn’t even know people like that existed in the real world!”

“Well…” Raidou started but was cut off as Kakashi continued to rant.

“Do you know who his last boyfriend was? Mizuki! That fucking traitor that stabbed him in the back! What if someone like that could satisfy Iruka and I can’t?! I can’t lose to someone like that! I’ve been training to improve my endurance but that’s just that! Endurance! And then it’s a vicious cycle!” Kakashi reached up and pulled at his hair in a fashion more suitable to his blond haired student than to his own character.

At a loss the other men exchanged a worried look. A few silent exchanges and they came to a unanimous decision.

“All in favor of a group intervention?” Asuma sounded.

“Ai.” They responded solemnly.

“Great okay…” He took a long drag on his cigarette. “We’ll try to have a word with him and drop a few hints….”

“Perfect because he just walked in.” Kakashi cut in cheerfully with no evidence of the earlier plight in his voice.

“Wha..? What why?!” Asuma asked in a sudden panic. They frantically searched the room for the teacher and were mortified to find him at the entrance of the pub.

“So you guys could talk to him of course.” Kakashi replied just as cheerfully as before as he flagged the man over. “That way it’ll be a guy thing instead and he won’t think it’s just me.”

Iruka saw him and responded with a smile and a wave as he made his way over to their table.

“Oh my god… you are such a manipulative bastard Kakashi.”

“You son of a bitch…”

“Sempai…”

“For fuck’s sake Kakashi…”

They all grumbled and hurled quiet insults until Iruka was within hearing range. None of them appreciated being manipulated after all. It was all for not though as their words just bounced off the man in question.

Kakashi stood to greet his koibito with a masked kiss to the cheek and directed him to sit at the other end of the table directly opposite of him. Iruka blushed and greeted the other men politely and looked surprised when Kakashi resumed his previous seat at the other end of the table instead of beside him.

He bounced back quickly though and noticed the annoyed and embarrassed looks he was getting from the rest of the party.

“Err… Did I come at a bad time?” Iruka asked trying to lighten the mood.

“Nope your timing was impeccable as always.” Kakashi responded. His cheerfulness grating on their nerves and making their moods all the more sour.

Iruka forced a laugh and tried again. “So... uh… do you guys drink together often?”

“Far too often Iruka-sensei…” Raidou grumbled.

“I really don’t wana be here now…” Genma started but the look of hurt on Iruka’s face had him quickly amending his statement. “I mean I don’t want to be here with Kakashi! Not you 

Iruka-sensei, you are always a pleasure to be around.”

“Oh, well Kakashi can be a bit of a handful at times…” Iruka joked though he was sympathetic.

“Oi, I’m sitting right here.” Kakashi interjected though his tone was light and playful.

“Unfortunately.” Asuma responded with a snort then turned to Iruka. “Iruka what the hell do you see in this guy? Can’t you tell he’s like, a 3 on the personality meter? Like… right below red algae and right above fangirls?”

Iruka laughed outright but Kakashi was not pleased. “Hey! You’re supposed to be helping!”

“Oh? Helping with what?” Iruka asked, his earlier humor giving way to concern. “Are you in any trouble Kakashi?”

“Err… no… well… Genma will explain!” Kakashi deflected.

“What?! Me?! ” Genma sputtered in shock then raised an angry fist in Kakashi’s direction. “When did you become such a pussy Hatake?!”

“Explain what?” Iruka asked in growing concern.

“I will try to explain Iruka-san.” Tenzou cut in trying to diffuse the situation. He cleared his voice and tried to make himself sound as official as possible. “This is a meeting of the Hatake Kakashi Advisory Committee.” He began seriously, “We convened this evening at the request of Hatake Kakashi to discuss a matter that is of great concern to him; that being the troubling aspects of his personal relationship with you, Umino Iruka.” He plowed forward despite Iruka’s look of surprise. “After some deliberation we have agreed that direct intervention was necessary to ensure the continued health and prosperity of our charge.”

He paused to collect himself a little further as the other committee members quietly applauded his efforts. Quite proud he had made it this far without stumbling, he tried to begin again but one look at Iruka’s increasingly narrowing gaze had him pause a beat too long.

“Go on Yamato-san.” Iruka beckoned ominously and suddenly Tenzou felt liked he had been ushered towards the gallows.

“Uh.. well…” he continued nervously. “You see… We think that maybe you should try to consider Kakashi-sempai’s feelings a little more is all… Though you don’t really have to or anything…” His earlier bravado disappearing at Iruka’s increasingly blacking mood.

“You’re saying that I’m not considerate of Kakashi’s feelings?”

“I…well… Sempai said that…”

“Yes. What exactly did Kakashi say?” Iruka’s dark gaze was redirected to Kakashi and Tenzou quickly shot his fellow committee members a look saying that it was now their turn.

“It doesn’t matter what he said.” Raidou said trying to salvage the situation. “What matters is that he really likes you, but you need to meet him half way on a few issues if you are going to make it work.”

“Like what issues?” Iruka asked impatiently.

“Like please consider eating things other than ramen for dinner.” He began with an easy one.

“What?!” Iruka nearly squawked. “If he doesn’t like it then maybe he could try contributing by, oh I don’t know, grocery shopping!? I can barely feed Naruto on my income let alone Kakashi!” 

“You… what? You’re feeding him? Why?” Raidou asked, not having expected Iruka to have a valid rebuttal.

“Well… I don’t know! He asked if he could spend the night after our first date and he hasn’t left since! Of course I feel obligated to feed him!”

“Oh my god… is this how the rest of the conversation is going to go?” Genma asked to no one in particular and was ignored.

“What the…? Is he at least helping with the bills?” Raidou then turned to Kakashi for clarification, hoping beyond hope that his friend was not a total scrub.

Kakashi scratched at the back of his head, though he didn’t seem to embarrassed as he replied, “Ah, well you see, I rather like the feeling of being provided for... and Iruka likes providing for me.”

Raidou and the others cringed and looked to Iruka for his reaction.

Iruka sighed in resignation, as the rest of the group looked on in muted horror. “Yes well I do like it a little.” He smiled. “But it makes it very hard to save money and I do wish I could buy you nice things every now and then…”

“You do?” Kakashi asked. He was clearly touched by the sentiment. A few moments passed and the group was hopeful. Perhaps it meant that Kakashi was reflecting on his selfishness. “Then please work harder to save your money Iruka-sensei.” 

They promptly fell off their chairs; anime style.

“I can’t believe you Hatake.” Asuma grumbled at him.

“How can you call yourself a man?!” Genma yelled. “And you Iruka! What is the matter with you? Why haven’t you dumped him yet?”

Iruka chuckled weakly, “Heh, yes well, I kinda like providing for someone.” He scratched at his scar. “Besides, if Kakashi was my wife it would be a similar situation right?”

“I would love to be Iruka-sensei’s wife!” Kakashi said excitedly.

“Shut up about that already! Agh! Well… yeah, but Iruka do you have any idea what this guy is worth?!”

Iruka laughed and scratched at the back of his head. “Not really. He tells me he has a lot of debt, but I guess it’s something we can work on together.”

“Debt? What debt?” Genma blinked then narrowed his brows. “Whatever he’s been telling you is all lies; this guy is loaded and you should be making him pay his way!”

“I was making sure that Iruka-sensei’s feelings were sincere.” Kakashi defended.

Iruka sighed again. “Yes I was aware of the likelihood of that… but what choice do I have but to play along…” He blushed hotly before he said, “I let him get away with it because he… is a really fun and interesting guy.”

There was a long pause to digest this information.

“What else do you like about me Iruka-sensei?”

“Idiot!” Genma scoffed, “That’s not what we are here to discuss.” He then turned to Iruka, 

“Iruka-kun, err -sensei,” he corrected, “You have to try to be more considerate of this guy’s pathetic endurance.” He ignored Kakashi’s scathing look, “You and me may have the energy to go all night but this guy is sub-par!” 

Genma had a knife at his throat before he could take his next breath.

“Hey! Hey! Calm down you two!”

“Kakashi!”

“ENTERNAL RIVAL!!!” Gai’s booming voice and sudden arrival startled them out of the increasingly intense situation. “YOU HAVE ONCE MORE FORGOTTEN TO INVITE ME TO YOUR ALL IMPORTANT YOUTHFUL MEETINGS!!”

Kakashi charged down his chakra and angrily sat back down, “Shut up and sit down Gai.” He commanded, his tone angry and tense.

Gai blinked and did as he was told.

The rest of the group exchanged looks. They had apparently misjudged the seriousness of the situation.

After a few tense moments Genma sighed and broke the silence, “Look, I’m sorry. I know Iruka means a lot to you and I shouldn’t be making a joke of it.”

Kakashi visibly relaxed and shrugged his shoulders and looked away. “Just get on with it.”

Genma hesitated for a moment before he began again, “Iruka-sensei,” he turned to Iruka who was regarding Kakashi like he was some bizarre plant, “As an elite shinobi, Kakashi’s energy reserves are taxed more than your average shinobi.” He couldn’t look Iruka in the eye, “Because of this he… or anyone here… for that matter,” he amended after a pointed look from Kakashi, “may not be able to satisfy your appetite for intimacy.” It was at this moment that Genma, a man whose perversion rivaled Kakashi’s began to blush. “We think it would be healthier for him if you tried to limit your advances…”

“Esteemed rival…” Gai gasped. “They have pills for such…”

“I don’t need pills!”

“Then… then surely it is the simple matter of endurance training! We could train together…!”

“Absolutely not!”

“Shut up everyone!” Iruka barked. “Kakashi, what the hell is he talking about?”

“Iruka-sensei,” Raidou interjected, “Kakashi is just asking that you not ask so much of him. Since you don’t’ take as many missions as he does he can’t keep up, but he just has trouble telling you and doesn’t want to deny you anything.”

Iruka nearly turned purple as he sputtered. “Are you..?! What do…?! I..!!” Iruka gasped for breath for a moment as he tried to collect his thoughts. “First of all, don’t you dare get all high and mighty around me; I’ve been working seven days a week this past month so I could put food on the table for 3 grown men and eight ninken! Secondly, I don’t know what he’s told you but whatever it was is a lie. You’re making me sound like some sex hungry nympho for fucks sake! I’m practically never the one to initiate sex!” 

“You’re feeding his ninken too?!”

“I fucking knew it.” Genma grumbled but was ignored again.

“What do you mean you never initiate sex?” Kakashi seemed genuinely taken aback at the statement.

Iruka looked startled, “You’re the one who is always pawing at me!”

“You’re the one who is always sending me mixed signals!”

“What mixed signals?!”

“What do you mean what mixed signals?!”

“Kakashi!” Iruka exploded. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

“You! Traipsing around naked all the time! There’s only so much a man can take!!”

“I..” Iruka turned an interesting shade of green. “That’s the way I feel comfortable!! I told you that when you first started staying with me! If you don’t like it then LEAVE!” Iruka’s practically screamed the last part. “And I can’t believe you just told everyone that!”

“Iruka-sensei… is a nudist?”

“None of your business!” Kakashi and Iruka yelled at the same time. Genma smirked and gave Iruka a lecherous once over.

“Look…” Azuma addressed Iruka though his cheeks were tinted pink and he could not look the man in the eye, “maybe you could just put some clothes on while he’s around or something… Though seriously, Kakashi what the fuck is the matter with you? Go home when you’re tired and feed your own dogs.”

“Look I have played along with this ridiculousness long enough… I refuse to allow you all to dictate how I chose to live my life.”

“Iruka-sensei. Please calm down. We respectfully understand your misgivings but we are only interested in the benefit of our charge.”

“Benefit of our…” Iruka made a pained expression that looked like someone had just kicked him in the balls. He then took three deep breaths and smiled at them. “You know what?”

Confused and weary at the sudden change in demeanor they only blinked at him.

“I think that I need to consult my own advisory committee.”

“Oh. Well we can reconvene after…” Azuma said as he started to get up from his seat, more than anxious to get out of there.

“No, no!” Iruka held up a hand to stop him from leaving. “This will only take a moment.” He then proceeded to bring his hand to his ear in a mock telephone gesture. He cleared his throat and much to their bemusement began to speak into it. “Hello, yes this is Iruka. Yes, you see I am having a bit of an issue with my new relationship… Oh, you are familiar with the situation already…? Yes… yes… yes, I agree, thank you.” He then pulled his hand away from his face and folded his fingers together, signaling that the ‘phone’ conversation had ended.

The group eyed him warily and waited with baited breath as he smiled at them. 

“My committee has come to the consensus that immediate action be taken.” he paused for dramatic effect. “Upon careful consideration of all facts we agree upon the following measures.”

Another dramatic pause had them leaning in to listens more closely.

“I’m dumping you.” He looked pointedly at Kakashi then turned a narrowed glare to each man at the table. “All six of you.”

An awkward quiet followed. What little was visible of Kakashi’s face paled considerably. 

Without any further adieu. Iruka stood and began to leave. 

He made it 5 paces before he was tackled to the floor by a distraught copy-nin.

“No Iruka! You can’t leave me!”

“Get off of me you moron!”

“You can’t leave!” Kakashi shouted again as Iruka tried to fight him off. The other pub patrons watched the scuffle in mute horror. It wasn’t long before Kakashi had Iruka pinned to the floor.

“Stop trying to tell me what to do!”

“But I love you!”

“You don’t own me!”

“We belong together!”

“I don’t see a ring on this finger!”

Suddenly there was silence and Iruka went limp beneath the copy-nin. Carefully Kakashi got to his feet with the academy teacher cradled in his arms. Seemingly completely unscathed by the altercation, Kakashi gave the room an assessing gaze. “You’ll all forget you ever saw that.” He said firmly. 

Some nodded, some simply turned away silently.

Kakashi turned back to the table and sat his limp lover back down in his seat. The others watched curiously as he pressed upon a pressure point on Iruka’s neck to awaken him. When the man stirred and blinked the darkness from his eyes Kakashi placed a finger to his chin turning his face gently… to look directly into an active Sharingan. 

“Forget.” Kakashi said calmly. 

“Oi! That’s out of line! I want nothing to do with this shit anymore!”

“That’s totally unethical Hatake! Not to mention immoral you ass!”

“ETERNAL RIVAL! YOU MUSTN'T MANIPULATE YOUR LOVER IN SUCH AN UNSCRUPULOUS WAY!!”

Kakashi ignored them and kneeled before Iruka on one knee as he fished a small velvet box out of his uniform pockets.

Deeply disturbed they watched Iruka’s expression become lucid as he looked down at Kakashi and comprehension dawned on his face. His jaw dropped.

“Iruka will you marry me?”

Iruka stared at him for forty five seconds. They were agonizing for everyone involved.

He eventually plucked the ring out of the box and placed it on his right ring finger. Much to everyone’s horror and Kakashi’s delight he held out his hand to inspect it. After a moment of this he promptly used it to punch Hatake Kakashi right in the Sharingan.

Kakashi squawked and fell on his ass.

“You used the Sharingan on me again didn’t you?” Iruka asked furiously. “Tell me what you made me forget or I’m going to kick you in the balls again!”

“No don’t!” Kakashi protested as Iruka made a mock gesture with his leg. Kakashi’s legs crossed tightly together and the hand not on his eye went to further protect his crotch. 

“Then tell me!” Iruka growled at him. He looked about ready to do some serious ball crushing.

“You broke up with me!” Kakashi confessed honestly. “I needed another chance to make things right!”

Iruka set his jaw and reigned in his temper long enough to grind out. “Get up you idiot. We’ll talk about this more at home.”

He sent one last glare to the men at the table and they blatantly avoided his gaze. 

Kakashi stood and gave Iruka a winning smile. “Does this mean we are getting married?”

“It means we are going home to write up a very lengthy prenup.” 

“You can take everything but the dogs and the plant.”

“I’m taking the dogs.”

“You can take everything but the plant.” 

“Fine.”

“I love you.”

“You’d better.” Iruka said with a grin as he turned to leave. “Fuck with me again and I’m going to clean you out.”

“Sounds kinky sensei.” Kakashi responded as he followed the man out.

The Hatake Kakashi Advisory committee considered themselves lucky to not have heard whatever Iruka’s response was.

“Was any of that okay just now?” Tenzou asked. 

“You mean between the Kakashi’s manipulation and Iruka’s physical abuse?” Azuma responded.

“Yeah.. among other things...”

“Probably not... Iruka seems like he's got a good handle on it though.”

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? Dedicated to my own grad school advisory committee. May they never learn of this.


End file.
